all the world’s a stage

okay, first things first – apologies to all my (five) faithful readers. this is long long long overdue.

but let’s just jump into it, shall we? it’s been a month (plus?) since we’ve seen our favorite crew (hmm, note the strategic timing of one rolling stone article & delicious cover shoot), and it seems everyone’s going to be up to their old tricks. id almost forgotten about dan’s dustin hoffman moment – this should be interesting. and as GG catches us up, im reminded of how much i do enjoy the silversun pickups (lazy eye !).

and so it begins

btw, the dorota webisodes look abs hilar.

all, here begin the misguided literary references! the age of innocence! how fitting! and chuck bass was diagnosed with stage fright? mmmm hmm. oh an edith wharton reference (has anyone ever seen the wonderful gillian anderson adaptation of the house of mirth?). And wait! NELLY YUKI IN A FAT SUIT. id like to say that alone is justice for every mean, conniving, desperate, ive league-bound thing she;s ever done.

and who;s the dykey stage hand. ugh, thesbians.

ahh, our heroine! waxing poetic about her character’s complexity and serena’s… looks. im suddenly reminded of a line about paper mache mephistopheles. good thing S is okay swallowing this. ahh oh no! blair is going on and on about how perfect her life is, and how playing a ruined woman with no prospects will be a challenge. NO! ugh super depressing foreshadow here, im assuming. joshie, hasnt blair been through enough?? let her be happy for once (and yes, at the expense of others!). and she’s playing opposite dhumps? ew.

ahh sounds like S has moved on. julliard wunderkind, huh? lets all agree with blair here: no more brooding artists. lets just hope this one doesnt have a dying caterpillar growing on his face, too. ooh, so many nuggets of wonderful blairisms:
“my life is so bountiful, i dont need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled.”
the good, strong female in me: what a wonderful role model for young girls today!
the sarcastic lesbian in me: mmm hmm, keep telling yourself that.

whoa, hold the phone. nelly yuki at yale. since when did ivy league deans email you acceptance letters? ugh. minus 3. yet again. this scene is only worth watching for the dorota / penelope costume gaff. love it. and the self preserving hand gestures from both. now that’s a pair id pay to see turkish oil wrestle. and not in the good way.

ahh julian from julliard!! all pompous and director-y. at least he;s waaaay prettier to look at than aaron rose. (actually, this brings up an interesting question. is it eleanor waldorf rose now??)

aaand in walks mrs robinson. and she’s getting shunned by the rest of the faculty. no surprise. lets hope she and lonelyboy get some quality time this episode. i think i only like him when he’s breaking the law. although, in that constume, he looks like someone’s cousin david at his first bar mitzvah. seriously. plus, anyone could tell you a good jewish mother would much prefer their baby to bring home a ms carr than a serena (total shixa. you know he’s just using her for sex)

oh! nate and vanessa are still dating! wait, what’s she even doing at constance? a documentary? doesnt this school have a gate? and why doesnt she go to school? blah blah literary metaphor lame sex joke blah blah are you really banging ed westwick? okay, i buy it. =)

chuckie! looking as lovely, i mean smarmy, as always. and who’s this plucky charlie trout we have here? sebastian stan, leighton’s reallife squeeze? hmm. oh! and our favorite lword refugee! i dont care how bad she was as nikki stevens or that UC chick in south of nowhere, kate french is freaking hot. and i hope she blows up. like huge. hmm this eyes wide shut storyline is suuuuper confusing. and um, sort of boring. more drama, now, please.

oh little j! little humphrey sibling moment. playing playground delivery girl… we all know this isnt going to end well. if there’s one thing jenny cant do, it’s subtle. does anyone else notice the dreamy tune playing in the bkg as rachel responds to dan’s request for a little tete a tete?

oh no! i was dreading this scene. someone snitched on queen b! yale is… over. wait, shouldnt there have been some sort of direct communication from them? again, ridiculous.

oh, the high school overreact. “when god closes a door, he opens a play” – come on GG, that was weak. im going to pretend you said the line Kat just offered me: “when god closes a door, he opens a window – for you to jump out of.” ahh, much better.

aaaand nanny dearest needs help. the mystery deepens! chuck actually seems concerned! what a quick little teaser!

daddy dearest shows up! and little j does the worst job hiding the note from him. ugh hat it.

oh man. nelly in the fat suit. love it. what;s amazing about this scene is that you can actually see how not ugly Yin Chang actually is. and oh man (again, i know!). “people aren’t jealous of you blair, they hate you.” jesus, nelly. little harsh. we all know b isnt nearly as bad as the airbrained penelope (just prettier. and richer.)

GG chimes in. perfect moment to… make Blair feel even crappier. by digging up an already forgotten storyline. eek. SO not b’s day. P makes a completely asinine comment. Nelly shows her true (lets hope) colors, and tells blair (almost sympathetically) that someone’s out to get her. uh, ya think?

and serena attempts to flirt with the director! and he forgets her name! LOVE it.

hmm, how tall is jessica sozhr? why is blake towering over her? and how does blake ignore the douche (ooh, my directorial intentions….) in Julliard’s acceptance to her group hang?

oh god, and Blair confronts Vanessa! she does need to calm down. first accusing yuki, then V. queen B needs to take a deeeep breath and stop right now. this is so not the cool, calm blair we know and love. someone make it better!!! daddy!?? dorota??

back to chuck’s (/ lily’s. where IS that chick?). ooh, i liked kate’s post-shower until she delivered the line about bathing in bathrooms. the french way. um, ew.

and why is chuck giving her that really creepy look still? what the hell is this club? why does chuck care so much?? ugh, he’d better bang her before she goes anywhere.
ooh, fantastic double entendre with the Brazil question. I personally prefer the airport to the um, whole country. (airport, landing strip, get it?? heehee). also, what’s hotter, kate french and eddie westwick, or kate french and mia kirshner?? oooh, tough choice (shane doesnt count, cause those times were just… weird. ps. challenge you to send me some quality youtube links so we can actually debate this)

dinner – it’s a double date! and serena and nate are bo-ored. Julliard still sounds like a douche. obscure directors, old school actresses. quoting from bette davis eyes – ooh, weak weak weak, serena. I love that Vanessa calls J out for being totally annoying. te acuerdo! and yet, S still wants him. will she ever learn?

dan’s home! and wants answers! oooh no! ms carr’s about to get a spanking. and not from the humphrey we’d hoped.

“looks like the teacher just got schooled” – ahh, it’s good to have you back, GG.

oh god, S is ridiculous. is she really bluetoothing with vanessa right now? this is ridiculous. and hilarious. the film is impotent? something tells me Julilard would be just that if he knew he was being scammed. OH and while the whole nate thing sort of sucks (please dont let this break him and V up), did anyone else notice how seriously gayface he looked there?

hmm. what’s GG doing smearing both B and S. is G back in town?

liasoning with Carter. Um, didnt that old rich dude who was a friend of Bart’s follow Carter out of the restaurant?? dont hand over hot kate french to him!! esp not when she’s all vulnerable like a bunny! couldve called that one…

you are an actress. poured in to the role. use pain on stage. – more dorotaisms, please.

ooh a rendezvous in the closet! ms carr is dressed like a tramp! do it!!! a quickie! now! ew, what is he doing to her hand? why is this weirdly tender? when’s curtain call?

um, btw. note to self: dorota on facebook. friend immediately.

Julliard is now spouting labor metaphors. could he be anymore over the top? ooh, but a cameo from chris isherwood! did anyone else see that article he wrote about being super nervous? and ugh, why cant everyone just be honest with their feelings? just talk to the girl, nate.

um, was lonely boy’s weird hand move that he used with rachel from the play? weird. OH! and the moment of realization! it was ms carr!! somebody learned how to tweet!

lost lines. crappy accents. isherwood is highly amused. is it too much to ask that the entire thing just blow up right now? oh wait! it did! and it was fantastic. loved blair’s little wave as jenny dropped the curtain.

the episode just got SO good. and the use of the word ‘juxtaposed’ – YES. and um, Serena, he’s gay! hilarious.

wait, are nate and vanessa breaking up?? augh, i know i give them a hard time, but i like them together. but ooh, way to call out nate’s insecurities. he deserved that.

wait a second. did someone just use chuck bass? where’s blair when we need her?

OH MY GOD. “it’s rachel who’s been messing with you. and we had sex in the costume closet. so you can do whatever you want with that.”
i take back every mean thing i ever said about daniel humphrey. that was awesome.

…aaaand ms carr apologizes. and we all know that in the end, blair always does the right thing. aww.

and another aww moment – nate is watching the age of innocence. in a cardigan! (so gay).

dear joshie schwartz, thank you for being a sweetheart and giving me lots of little happy endings. =) now all we need is a chuck and blair moment. but i guess ill settle for some BS.

oh no i spoke too soon. chuck waiting for blair. please go home soon, blair!! and not with carter!!! (event hough i may or may not be imagining leighton meester and sebastian stan’s home life right now.) aughghhgg.

okay, this is exactly how the show should be. chuck pissed off that he cant have blair. everyone else back to their boring melodrama. although – ive seen the pics in US magazine. i know what’s coming. i know there’s going to be some rekindling of nate and blair. and i dont like it one bit. BUT i have faith. archie is boring as hell, and jschwartz knows just what we want. the question is just, how long will he wait to give it to us??

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