gossip girl!! and im ACTUALLY live blogging it this week!
we open on last week: all i know is i am terrified about this whole new year’s shenanigan. and i really want to hate hate jack bass, but i think im stuck with just mild dislike because he’s deb’s sexy / obnoxious / questionably [un]ethical partner from Dex. minus like 30 ibs.
chuckie – looking dapper. but not sure how i feel about that hair. i want the crazy rob pattinson look!
gayface is back!!!!! all “hey, thought you needed some homo love!” or did i just imagine that line?
jenny! at least her roots are slightly less ridiculous.
and dan is still a self important douche. fantastic. at least he’s resisting spilling his father’s beans to S.
the will! 29% to the board, 20% to lily bass! 51% to… chuck? jack is frantic!
what’s in the letter? chuck thinks it’s dismal… but lets be honest, there’s no way. blair takes over, thank god. the music gets slow… chuck gets the majority! YES!!! but somehow chuck finds reason to sneer. and what is jack doing winking at gayface? love in the air?
eric and serena are complaining about the humphreys. jenny is wayyy too haggy on eric and jon (why must we say his whole damn name every time he comes up??)
and lily is lying to her daughter yet again… no surprise there. wait, was that a joke about the french president??
what the f are p and the mean girls wearing? nelly yuki is rocking one ugly animal all over her shoulders. theyre yapping (yet again) about blair’s absence. god these girls are helpless without a strong, sexy woman to lead them.
cut to – blair supporting chuck again! and jack lurking in the [brightly lit and glittery] shadows!
annnd lonelyboy is gettting the stinkeye from ALL of constance billard! dammmmn. cue the kristen bell voiceover. and my roommate freaking out, “that tone, that tone!!”
glub glub jack is tongue tied. charles wants to take over. and now. but does uncle jackie think he’s ready? im loving the big bad ass chuck; it’s about time he came back. “im ready now” AND who’s behind the antique desk now?!?
aww dan’s lunch on the floor? this is getting ridic.
what is jack scheming? i dont trust him one little bit. blair, just cause he’s cute, dont fall for it!!! i fear for tm’s brunch!
oh! and the rufus / lily storyline. hmm. id totally forgotten about this! oh wait, i remember why. this is lame. and sort of depressing. i cant decide whether or not this is tasteful or absolutely trivializing.
“a flare up of chuck fever” i hear it’s contagious?
“what’s with gossip girl putting a hit on dan?” about freaking time.
“it’s so hard finding obedient minions” – im pretty sure buffy has used a similar line. season 4, ep 7, too? (erin, help me out.)
what??? vanessa and nate are still together?????? oh wait. vanessa and dan – gg is totally going to get a hold of all this. nelly yuki what are you doing???!? NOOOO. she’s been corrupted by P and the meanies! im never forgiving her and those giant blue glasses!
ahh little gossip readers! hilarious!
vanessa’s “you know who i am?” line?
nate archibald to dan humphrey: “talk about failing upwards“. understatement of the year.
what the h is jack doing? playing into chuck’s weaknesses!! skinny little girls!! Julia next to me: “theyre 12!!”
“cocktails and coquettes” or was that “cocktails and cokeheads“? well played, gossip girl, well played.
oh good lord. vanessa, what are you doing? did you learn NOTHING from the whole duke / duchess debacle???
holy boobies. i love blair. annnnd chuck is an ASSHOLE. wait. i actually completely understand this situation. i work late all the time. but really, those boobies! it’s official: josh schwarz loves leighton meester. and so do we.
now, you know i love the cheese as much as the next little mousie but sometimes gg goes a little too far with those fish jokes. sort of like me and the tacos.
ooh, lily looks good in those glasses. rufus, get over yourself and just bang her.
ooh cute top, b! “spare me those expressive eyebrows. i cant wait until you get botox.”
nooo!!! jack got chuck wrecked so he couldnt go to the brunch!!! the blackball!!! i should have seen this coming. oh wait, i did.
annnd eric breaks up with jenny. god, she needs a man. this is getting violent. “you are so annoying!” eric needs more lines.
oh no. nelly yuki WHAT have you done?? i WILL not forgive you.
and it ALL spirals out of control. chuck sneers. the Board looks appalled. this is NOT good. but props to makeup for the smeared lipstick all over eddie. now, this is obviously not ideal, but lets be honest for a second. this show is all about blair and chuck. this is how it works – they hit a few bumps, they have some ridiculously hot tease scenes (preferably with leighton in that red garter belt. or was that sarah shahi im thinking of??)
in fact, lets indulge ourselves:
oh back to the drama. Dan knew, serena freaked. chuck arrives in time to see everyone freaking out. and realize jack has set him up ??? no!! he’s SO stupid! dont yell at blair!
dan actually makes a good point in his apology to S; he did the right thing, respecting her mother and his father’s wishes. buuut the shiteth hit the fan nonetheless. “well i guess it makes sense that we fight like siblings..” obvious joke, jenny. dan, no offense, but you arent getting laid for a while.
rufus freaking out. and being SO incredibly selfish. actually really glad lily is doing this right now – she’s right. they gave up that right twenty years ago. dammit, i cant help it, love kelly rutherford; finally some acting chops! …. and ruined by the gross makeout. ew. (can i take an aside here, and comment on the plot parallel to Nora Roberts’ Birthright?? have lily and rufus even thought about how this might tear apart their “child”???)
ew. rufus and lily in bed. pillow talking. at least they forgot about the drama. annd i spoke too soon. well, at least the kid’s parents will be in luuuurv when they meet him.
annnd thank god. chuck confronts jack.
“you have your own company.”
“sure. in australia.”
jack! some people like it down under.
chuck, way to stand up for yourself. dammit. a morality clause?? Wtf??? charles, he played you!!! annnd blair unwittingly helped. this sucks.
“i have something i have to tell you” why do i get the feeling this kid might be dead?
sibling talk. “smells like it’s got grandma written all over it.” cute.
“are you and dan going to be okay?” hmm. let’s think about it. on second thought, too boring.
nate hanging out in brooklyn. god this is weird. wait, nate and vanessa’s anniversary? wtf?? ohhh and nate reaches out, and Dan clams up. typical. let’s boy bond! “.. [these events] have actually made me nostalgic for the days when jenny was the problem” bite your tongue, dan humphrey!
annnd i called it. sailing with friends. not surprised. this still sucks, though. more than i thought it would. sure, it’s neat and tidy and all, but still.
OH MY GOD. chuck apologizes to blair. accept his apology, blair!!! hello, what would dorota do?!? or even wallace shawn?? swallow your pride just once more, please!! props to the cw for making me think it was jack with the flowers in the preview. but dammit, this sucks. fantastic delivery leighton, but youre breaking my heart. noooo. noooooo. how is this supposed to help the situation??? as if he didnt already have a giant reason to spiral [more] out of control!!! (erin, comment!!!)
if blair’s elevator doors open again and jack walks out, im going to scream. this officially sucks. if it were an episode of buffy, id be crying already./
annnd back to the most boring couple on earth. “there’s got to be some kind of precedent for this” annd cue dan name dropping. flannery o’connor. serena, clueless? really? i love amy heckerling, too, but what about, um, emma? the book clueless was based on!!!
holy awesome. another son. lily and rufus’s kid. is ALIVE!!! “maybe we werent meant to be a family?” – ohh hello, irony. and cue the the brady bunch! argh, i cant help it, im smiling.
next week: ooh, i could get hot for teacher!! except that she sort of reminds me of carmen from south of nowhere. ick. i wonder if theyll go the Pacey route with Dan… but wait, dorota makes an appearance at constance billard!! brilliant!!!
ps. OMFG watching the nip/tuck premiere finally. holy holy holy lord. crazy blonde bitch stabs sean. HOLY LORD. and mark ronson + daniel merriweather through it all. oh my god. posting the season 6 trailer tm. insaaane.