lily totally did trent reznor.

we’re back! oh, all these old storyines resurfacing. and dorota in her fuzzy pink bathrobe =) let’s go!

on a mission: blair might be wasted, but leighton is seriously rocking that dress

 

and we begin with dan and v heading over to nate’s. aww. but ooh jessica sohzr looks super cute in the snow. nate’s cousin seems like a total ass. foreshadow?

it’s a week later. and i love when chuck calls blair “our girl.”  S catches chuck up on all the bad shit that’s been happening. Blair’s off licking her wounds, he offers to lick them for her. i melt.

oh, and lily is back! wait! is that art chick from rufus’s past?? i do not like her. she’s a sneaky sneaky bitch. (or at least she looks like one)

back at nate’s, it’s march madness! or, er, anger in the archibald family. and um, while dan and v are obviously good people by encouraging nate to go to his reunion, we all know that him + the archibald family is totally going to = him breaking up with cute brooklyn chick. mostly forever.

lily wants a list of exes. oh, this should go well.

at the archibald estate – grandaddy copters it in. good lord. ooh and he’s is a silver fox. love it. he’s gonna hate vanessa. and what’s with all these dudes standing around in the snow? where are the chicks? total sausagefest.

blair waiting on the couch in a skimpy dress. chuck walks in… and gets the burn. again. argh this sucksss! why are you torturing us joshie??

the house tour. jesus, do these people have a crest? aw but grandpa’s a sweetie (or maybe he just carries a big stick to go along with all that soft talking). touch football? little dan humphrey is going to get crushed.

the obligatory B/S quality time scene. love it. All the planning… you mean plotting? YES.  blair realizes she doesnt have to be such an overachiever, and goes badass. but um, i sort of thought we’d see her get it on with real-life beau sebastian stan, or slip into a coke (and not the kind that comes in the can)-induced fiery blaze of glory. but no, she just winonas some shades. yawn.

serena catches her mother writing her ex list. ew. if this is any indication, that spin-off is going to have a LOT of fodder.

touch football with the archibalds = roughing it up in polo sweaters (who does that??). and you know vanessa’s going to get some sort of awkward talk. wait, vanderbilts? did i forget about that little familial relation? ha! Trip wanted to be an archeologist in college? now he’s just a douche.

good cop, bass cop. love it. and S has some serious dirt on Santorini! josh schwartz is throwing some new curve balls. love it. seriously, what happened in Santorini?

less gatsby, more fight club. well played, lonelyboy.

ugh jenny i love you, but please do something about your hair. it’s looking seriously unhealthy.

the family sausage grinder. hmm. those are exactly the words i’d have used, too.

let’s play where’s waldorf?!?? OMG. did dorota just tell off Chuck in polish? i LOVE her.

nate and v are supposed to do a eurotrip?? ugh, you know that is never going to happen. dammit. just when i started to like those two!

whoa. wait. blair was basically begging for a sarah lawrence acceptance. eek. fix it! chuck, fix it! donate a new wing to the library!

fuck, back at the archibalds. really not okay with nate going all stepford on v here. aaand holy shit. blair is on a rampage. spilling everyone’s secrets. and chuck is actually pulling a nice guy move, telling S to find dan after B spills that little ms carr costume closet gaffe (so they can have an inevitably awkward / annoying moment).

hmm. trip is going to do something gross to vanessa. oh wait, the show isnt that twisted, he’ll just crush her hopes and dreams. what a jerk. this whole storyline is super uncool. vanessa is kicking ass right now for confronting nate, but this is… sad.

blair is wasted. wow. chuck to the rescue!! put her in her place! oh my god, as much as i want them to do it right there in the archibald’s sitting room, it just wouldnt feel right. chuck actually takes the high road, and teenaged girls everywhere breathe a sigh of relief (there’s good in him yet!). ugh, jschwartz leaves us wanting more – yet again. im not sure how much more hot n cold i can take here! stop blue blairing us!

OH NO!!! NO!! blair and nate in a dark room?? NO!! i know she’s like the perfect wife, and they have history (or so i hear, cause you know, still havent watched s1), but NO!!  these two havent shared a scene in ages. ugh!! blair is all lost, nate is all lost. two idiots in the dark does not a relationship make.

what happened to the nate archibald who just wanted to get high and play halo? hahaa. nate is every college dude. or you know, my roommate (okay im lying, julian doesnt play halo. unlike joe).

whoaa serena just slapped the shit out of Dan. that was hilarious. and blair grinning afterwards = awesome. (Kat brought up a good point here: if only blake lively werent such a bitch in real life…)

aww vanessa and nate! i hope they reconcile. hmm noticed an interesting parallel – chuck wants old blair, vanessa wants new nate. i dont think either one of them is going to end up happy.  is it silly that i actually yelled at the tv when he announced the internship after that rousing speech? fuuuck. this episode blows.

chuck bass, do not give up on blair waldorf!

ha, i love kelly rutherford. she’s such a good bitch. i dont know what’s up with me, but i might actually like rufus and lily right now.

WTF?!? NO. NO. this is horrible. i think my heart (and chuck’s) might have just broken a little bit. as kat so practically pointed out, who the hell sees someone home all the way to their bedroom? WTF?

the wrap up: vanessa encourages her own destruction by playing the yayfamily supportive girlfriend. nate disappoints. chuck pines for blair, while she goes ape crazy. dorota tells it like it is. i feel so unfulfilled right now that lily and rufus actually seem interesting.

and um, not okay with the B/N reunion. obviously watching season 1 might give me better perspective, but fuck it, i dont mind being nearsighted. and if we’re forced to watch leighton and gayface do sex scenes before she and eddie get it on (ahh sweet dreams!), i might cry.

next week: looks like joshie is trying to make up for this week with some good old fashioned slapstick. little j throws a party? v throws herself at chuck to get back at nate? so there. especially cause seeing jessica and ed smooch on screen – whatever the context – gives me warmer fuzzies than blake and penn (ew) ever could.

also – what’s up with all these GG couples?? blake and penn / ed and jessica / leighton and sebastian… who’s next, chace and matt settle? lets just hope they all last longer than littlej’s abusive relationship with her eyeshadow.